It is a sunny day with blue sky – and the golden autumn light is flooding the mountains, the forest and my living room. Life is so mysterious.
I am tired after chemo therapy yesterday, it is a slow moving day. If I just go with what is; it gives a relaxation, I can rest into it.
When I sat by my fathers deathbed a few years ago, I became aware about how little I knew about death. I mean; even on the practical, physical level.
I knew that the heart would stop beating, that the breath would stop. I had been with my mother when she was dying, I had seen how her face changed the last days she lived; like the skin became smoother, the cheek bones more marked… And the intensity of her breath the last hours of her life…
We learn in school about puberty, conception, pregnancy, birth… Menopause and aging are not mentioned much, they are more taboos. Death seems to not even exist in the vocabulary of teachers. Except some stories about car accidents and heroin addicts – to scare the teenagers with.
Death is being hidden under the rug, not to be talked about and not to be looked at.
I sat there six days and nights, by my fathers deathbed, and I saw death coming – but I had no idea about the signs showing how close it was, or about what was happening in his body.
My oldest daughter works in hospice care. I called her and asked some questions. I googled.
I was amazed to see the body’s programming for survival, even after all hope is gone. How the body give priority to the vital organs, pumping the blood there – while the legs and arms are getting cold, already dying. The patterns of blue marbling spreading out on the legs, like ice roses on the windows in old houses in the winter.
The breath still going, like an intense rebirthing session. For hours, maybe a day, maybe it was two. That intense breathing.
I was wondering if it was him holding on to life, or if it was just the body doing it’s own thing? If he was still in touch with the body?
On Friday afternoon – the breath became so soft and silent. I stood up from the chair. Universe floating in his eyes. The room, bright and gentle. The air, so sacred.
My brother and I were standing on each or side of his bed. Telling him there is only Love, only Peace. You can let go now.
The last breath.
After a minute or two; one more.
For a short moment, the sound of trickling streams in the spring. The fluids in the body letting go to the gravity.
It is over.
The breath that have filled the room, and that I have listened to day and night for almost a week, is no longer. Suddenly the sound of the clock on the wall seems so loud. I take it down, and remove the battery.
His eyes, that had searched for me every time they opened the last days – they seek no more.
Silence is so pregnant in the room. Love shining in my brothers eyes, and in everyone who comes in. The hugs and embraces between us in the family. The realness. Gratefulness and tears.
How often do we meet like that?
In the nights after my father left the body, I was getting used to again sleeping in my own bed. The third night, I woke up in the middle of the night; by an explosion of light in my forehead.
My first, and only, thought was; “Am I dying now?”.
It came as a surprise, I did not expect dying. I had not been sick, and I was not old. But it was not a shred of fear. It was bliss.
I was in awe – will I get to know the Mystery of Death already, will I experience the Adventure? It was an honor.
I was floating in bliss, breath and grace that night, and I woke up next morning – surprised that I was still in the body.
Today, in this slow moving day of golden light, I remembered this experience. How perfect, how mysterious life is. I see that Life has prepared me to meet death, Life has led me to this moment – like it has led me to other, even more essential moments before.
How Existence has its perfect plan. Maybe it is not even a plan, maybe it is just unfolding that way; by grace. I don’t know, but I see how everything is taken so beautifully care of, how we all are taken so beautifully care of.
How harmonious everything is; if I don’t fight it – if I don’t think that my little own plan is better and wiser – than the Plan of Existence Itself.
I don’t know if I will die now very soon – or if I will hang around for some time more. One of the metastasis that I have just under my skin, and that I can feel with my fingers, have shrunk. I do think that the immune therapy makes an impact. In the beginning of November I will have a CT scan to see. Time will show what life will bring.
But I do want to embrace Death with all my heart. Like I also want to embrace Life with all my heart. They go together. Like night and day. Like the eternal night sky, and the golden autumn light.
Thank you ❤️
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