the inner unfolding

I am landing back home after the stay in the rehabilitation centre.
The valley is white and quiet. Silence embraces me, nourishes me and helps me giving space for the inner unfolding that is happening. I have rested deeply, and slept a lot. Some of the medicines are also making me tired ☺️

Layers of self-doubt have been coming up in me during the last weeks and months.
One by one, they come to the surface; as voices, beliefs and fears. They don’t have the same grip as before, I don’t believe in them in the same way. It is an inner unfolding happening.

They come up, and they look untrue.
I question them.
That old fear of seeing is gone, there is no reason to try to avoid anything.

It is so clear for me that what is, is.
Turning the blind eye to something, does not change what is here.
Trying, is an unnecessary waste of energy – and a delay of my own happiness and freedom.

The voices repeat themselves.
I get the chance to see through them.
Until I see that they are not real.

I see that the voices originally come from the outside. From parents, teachers, social settings in school and from before this life… Words or atmospheres that have gotten stuck in my system and made me believe I should have been different – to be liked, or to be worthy of Love and God. Ideas like that I shouldn’t take space or that I should have taken more space, that I should be quiet… And so on, so on…
Voices that have created beliefs about myself and life.

But the voices also come from the inside and out; because all this I project out on people around me, most of all those I respect highly, and on the masses too. I expect them to judge me for speaking up, for being too much or taking too much space… I expect them to cut off their love for me, to be disappointed with me and to not find me worthy of love – if I don’t live up to (or down to) those ideas set for myself.
In my head, I give those voices to people around me, as a filter I see the others through.
Until I start questioning it; Is this really true? Does this voice sound real?

It dawns on me in these weeks and months, that it doesn’t even matter.
I could twist myself into saints or rock stars to make the whole world like me – but it wouldn’t change the reality of who I am. It wouldn’t change what is.

I simply am. And that’s it.
What a rest in those words; I simply am.

There is a glowing feeling in my heart.

Like a golden nest.

I am.

* * *

It seems life is already flashing in front of my eyes, like it’s said happens in the seconds before death. For me it happens in slow motion. Old stories, old wounds – without much identification. Seeing structures of my own ego, without the shame or fear about it.
It presents itself, as facts; this is how I have invested in, and maintained, being «somebody» or being «special» in this life. This is how I have stayed «safe» socially and tried to make people like me.

Like we all do, in different versions, with different faces.

Now, this body is soon going to die. I will leave the form; the roles I have had and the person I have played this life.
Those investments of the ego, this identification of «somebody» and he likings of others… What is it worth now?

Nothing.
It will all go.

Still; I see it is all part of the learning this life.

The construction of the ego, and the destruction of it – the wounds, the self-pity, the healing, the being lost, and being found – it is all part of the journey.

Why should I be in this life, if I don’t have anything to learn and go through? I am not here to be perfect.

Everything is all part of the inner unfolding, the Being coming forth.

As a form, I will leave the people I love, this life and the humanity that I love.

What is left, is Love.

As Love, I am.

Eternally.