to live each day as if it was your last

One of these last evenings, I experienced a space where I felt that death could come any moment. It was a feeling that the link between the body and the spirit was so thin, almost not there.

I had been in pain, and taken an extra dose of morphine. Maybe that influenced the experience.

Again and again I was disappearing into emptiness, and then; a wave of breath coming, it wasn’t me breathing. The body was being breathed.

I have had similar experiences in Rebirthing sessions; the empty space, the body stops to breathe – then, that wave of breath coming, from beyond myself. Or after surgery; when coming back after the anesthesia, but still being in that empty space: The breath that comes, like a wave taking me. It is not my will. Not even influenced by my will.

Breath is happening to us, from we are born until we die. It goes on in our sleep, and if we faint. It is not our doing. But these moments I am sharing about; it has been so clear to see that – that breath has nothing to do with the little me.

That first time when I was in full anesthesia, after a surgery in 2016 or 2017, I remember the first thought when I woke up; “I can never be afraid of death again”. The emptiness and space I came from were of absolute peace.

But this evening a few days ago, slipping in and out of emptiness, I was not totally relaxed. I did keep myself awake and in touch with the body, not ready to just let go.

I remembered people I still would like to send love messages to, or people I would like to share something with – before I die. I remembered practical things that I would like to sort out, or hand over information about – before I leave this body.

There is a wish to leave life as beautiful as I can.

It is a kind of luxury, to get the chance to prepare myself to die, as I do. None of us know how death will come to us. If it will come sudden in an accident or a heart attack – or if it will come slow through weeks and months or years of aging or sickness. The only thing we know for sure; is that it will come.

These last weeks, I have started to go through practicalities; things I would like to organize or sort out before I die. But I have not finished.

The day after this experience, I started to write down in a book; practical messages to people around me, if I don´t reach to organize things while I am still here. I also made messages to be sent to people I want to say something to, if I don’t reach to share with them in person.

A friend said to me; “maybe we all should do what you are doing now, as none of us are immortal”. He is right.

Yes, it is a luxury in a way; to know that I will die, to know that time is limited. But truth is; we all know that time is limited. We just often don’t relate to that fact.

“To live each day as if it was your last”, it is an easy thing to say. When I have heard those words throughout my life, my thoughts often went to the intensity of living; to adventures, travels, to the physical enjoyment of life.

Where I am now, it does not feel important to experience more. I have lived so much beauty, and so much adventure too. But there is this wish to leave this life as clean and beautiful as I can. It comes down to the simple and the practical.

And to sharing this Love.