where I always have been

I am in the hospital, receiving the fourth dose of chemotherapy when writing this post. I have had one weeks break from the chemo treatment; The body has been better, with more energy. I have been able to do more. Except from the pain in the knee and in the tailbone; some days I have felt almost like before I got sick.

The decay of the body…

Not being able to “manage on my own”…

The need of help from others…

All the way since childhood, I have always cherished being independent. It has been a lot of enjoyment in that, but I see there is also a protection there; not asking for help, not showing myself vulnerable. Hidden in there, there is a kind of not allowing others to love me.

I know how important it was for me to be allowed to be there for, and care for, both my parents when they were dying. How important it was for me to be allowed to help.

How much I was receiving through giving.

Some posts ago, I wrote in this blog about that I had not felt allowed to shower my mother with love earlier in life. When she was on her deathbed, those fences between us disappeared.

I recognize some of the same protections in myself throughout life; not allowing others to shower me with their love. Not feeling worthy. A fear of rejection, or of being invaded. It goes together with not trusting my own clarity.

None of this makes any sense anymore. If it ever did.

I see my own vulnerability. The body will die. Before that; most probably it will get weaker and weaker, more and more fragile. I will need help from others. Actually I already do, and I already receive so much help and care from friends – and so much love. Friends making me food, driving me to treatments, helping me organizing my house, sending me so much love. And tears were running, reading through all the comments on the posts of this blog.

Knowing I will lose everything, it makes no sense to cling to anything – or to hold anything back or protect anything.

Some times I feel a layer of sadness, of questioning myself; Haven’t I known from before that I will lose everything, sooner or later? Did I need to get metastatic cancer to be able to take that in deep enough?

I don’t know. Life is taking me on this journey.

It is as it is.

I am where I am.

Every pain, every so-called crises, every challenge or moment of helplessness and vulnerability throughout my life – have brought with them gifts. They have all been doors into new chapters or new seeings, they have all been parts of the journey.

I know in my heart and in my being – that I rather live one day in Clarity and Depth – than to live lifetimes in dreams and projections.

I rather live one moment in this Love – than to live a hundred years without knowing this Love.

I am so immensely grateful for the life I have lived, and still am living, in the Light of the Master. That Light changes everything.

Here I am, in the hospital, with a needle in my vein – and with a smile in my heart, peace on my lips…

Knowing I am in the hands of Existence.

Where I always have been, and always will be.

Thank you ❤️